My bride and I just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary. One of the remarkable things about that, at least to me, is that it feels better, safer, and more comfortable to be with her today than the day we were married (and it was pretty excellent then). I have to say that it is a miracle that I can write this because I had a pretty jaded view of the whole relationship thing when I met her. My motto at the time was “It isn’t if things will get worse, it is only a matter of how long it is going to take for the relationship to become unbearable”.
I have been fortunate enough to be in one of those relationships that looks like a chart that financial people like to show investors which traces the stock market value over the last 100 years. If you have ever seen one of those there is a gradual growth trend. There are ups and downs, for sure, but the general direction is up. What do I attribute my good fortune to? I found myself rattling off the following things to a friend who had asked that very question.
1. I am fortunate to be with a partner who was committed to personal growth before I met her, and continues to be to this very day.
2. A partner who is willing to work hard with me to eliminate in our relationship what researcher and relationship guru John Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the (Marriage) Apocalypse”: Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Criticism, and Contempt.
3. A partner who is willing to process and look at her part in any disagreement we have to see what part she might have played in the outcome, or what she might have done differently that may have produced a different, more pleasant outcome .
4. A partner who is willing to not allow any thought, anyone or anything to come between us.
5. A partner who is willing to live by the motto “Treat your partner no worse than a stranger”. As Harlan Miller says “The difference between a successful marriage and one that is not is often the three or four things left unsaid each day”.
