Just about everyone has a complicated relationship with money. Studies show that money is the no. 1 reason for divorce in the early years of marriage and a common area of conflict for couples. Even before the recession, 3 out of 4 Americans identified money as the no. 1 source of stress in their lives. Financial strain has been found to reduce relationship satisfaction, worsen depression, and lead to emotional problems, health difficulties, and poor work performance. With record high debt and record low savings rates in the years leading up to the economic crisis, the average American seemed to suffer from a money disorder.

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Tensions at home were mounting after Jeremy Field lost a second construction job as the recession hit.

He spent his days on the Internet and the phone looking for work. His wife, Kelly, who had been home caring for their toddler son, reluctantly returned to teaching preschool. But her part-time work meant a huge cut in wages and benefits, forcing them to sell a car and slash Christmas spending.

Kelly Field pushed her husband to keep searching. He was discouraged and it was hard watching her leave for work in the morning.

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The crisis came when yet another relationship that I had invested a lot of time and money in was ending.  A part of that relationship ending was that it was going to be financially devastating.  I live in one of those states that says what’s yours is half theirs.  My family was once again besieging me with requests for financial help (I had become their “bank”, a place where they could get unlimited loans and know they would never have to pay them back), and that day, looking at my checkbook realized I didn’t have enough money to pay my own rent that was due in 3 days.  Something snapped.

Suddenly, I was so very tired of hurting over money.  I felt like my moods and attitudes were affected by what I had rather than the great life I was living.   I felt responsible for too many people and I realized that I was emotionally and spiritually drowning.  I wanted to just die right there and get it over with.

I was shocked by the depth of the pain that money and my relationship to it had exerted on my entire life.  Up to that moment, I had considered myself strong and able to overcome any obstacle (and believe me there were many) but my feelings about money were really taking me out.  It was so hard not to judge myself harshly…after all, shouldn’t I have known better?

My mom was one of 12 and they were very poor.  She dropped out of high school to help take care of her younger brother and sisters and had her first child at 19.  There were many things that she couldn’t have and she developed a habit early in life that I believe  hindered our family’s well-being (emotional and financial) to this day.  My family of origin adopted a “by any means necessary” attitude toward getting what they wanted and while this is certainly understandable when you have a family to feed, it became a way of life that has produced pain and angst around money.  Getting something for nothing or having a “hustle” was just a way of life.  My mom raised four of her five children (she gave my sister to her aunt) with this legacy and the result has been staggering.  She was determined that we would have “everything she never had” and that meant that she would hustle, steal, borrow (and not pay back) anything to get what she wanted.  This went far beyond mere necessities and eventually became an addiction to consumerism.

My mother never saved any money.  She spent every dime she made and when she wanted something she just took on another job.  She stole from the family she worked for and eventually we lost our home when she was caught.

Early in life I remember feeling it was okay to take things and there was a thrill to getting away with it.  Fortunately I learned that I didn’t want to live that legacy and now am sensitive to not “taking” anything that isn’t mine.  This caused me to be overly cautious and afraid of even the “appearance” of a hustle; I often found that I had difficulty receiving things/money/friendship that is offered by people who care for me and simply want to be kind.  I was always afraid of being viewed by a taker so I gave excessively.  I  was very good at helping other people identify what their services were worth but I  discounted my services to my financial detriment.  Everyone’s needs came before me.

The result was excessive and unhealthy debt, personal relationships that were unbalanced financially, being so afraid of “using” someone I often felt used, sharing above and beyond what was appropriate for my financial well being

Instead of giving up that day while looking at my checkbook, I found hope in reaching out.  I discovered that there were people who could help me with this.  People who had been there themselves.  People who were not judging, just creating a way out for themselves and others like me.  One of the first things they asked me to do was to take a look at my long held, mostly unconscious beliefs about money.  That changed everything.

Through the process of examining my money scripts, the old belief that “If you do good things you will be taken care of…” has been replaced by “I need to take responsibility for planning my financial future to make sure that I can care for my financial needs”.  I share with others only to the degree I can do so w/o impacting my financial wellness.

The old money script of “If I have more money I will be happy” has been adjusted to “If I but look around at what is already in my life; love, family, health, etc., I am already happy”.  When I use my money wisely I am happier.  When I am compensated fairly for my work I feel energized and fulfilled and I know I am contributing to the financial well being of my community.

The old script of “It is demeaning to take from other people when the offer support and help” has been changed to “Thank you”.  I am able to see that the offer is coming from the same part of their heart as my offer to help others comes from.

I can have relationships of equitable sharing.  Sometimes I may give more, but I am learning how to receive as well.

I work with low income clients and I am ALWAYS tempted to give my services away.  I have a very fair sliding scale but often end up “cancelling” the outstanding balance.  This year, after about two years working with “what I deserve” I have stood firm on my fees; doing pro bono work in a way that doesn’t leave me feeling abused.  My clients appreciate the boundaries and I am enjoying my work more.

I have limits on what I will do for free for clients, community based organizations and conference organizers.  People seeking my expertise now pay for it.
My mother recently asked me to pay for her to go on a cruise.  I said “no” without explanation or apology.  I was afraid that I would give in to the guilt (I certainly felt guilty) and she really pulled out all of the stops about how this would probably be her “last chance” to go anywhere (she has been on two trips since then).  I instead showed her how she could save a little each month to cover the cost of her trip and spending money.

I continue to have financial challenges that impair my ability to implement all that I know about having a good relationship with money so the path to financial health as I define it has been more erratic than I would like.  The easiest part of all this is that I know what financial health means to me and I know where to get the help I need.  I understand my money scripts and I know when I am operating in that place.  This is not to say that I NEVER go back to my old way of thinking and behaving, but that when I do, I know how to self correct gently and get back on track.

I didn’t see it then, but my mother had serious issues with spending. She’d always say we didn’t have any money but then she’d go on these shopping sprees, buying clothes for herself and us and antiques for our house. I’d always pay real close attention, waiting for those sprees, because I knew if I could go along with her, I’d get something too. My father always took a “head in the sand” approach very disconnected from our financial situation, agreeing to things even if they didn’t make sense, just to avoid a fight. Not good messaging, either way.

When your parents aren’t on the same page, when one of them would continually warn me, a child, about our family’s impending financial devastation at every turn, yet spends like crazy, and the other parent acts like everything’s fine no matter what, it’s very confusing. As a result I grew up having no real concept of money. I’ve walked around my entire life thinking“Oh, money’s no big deal, unless you’re running out, and then you panic.” The concept of making money work for you or knowing how to properly handle it… that was beyond me.

YMW POV: Allison’s confusion over money persisted for years and years. As an adult, she pushed herself to work hard to earn the money she needed to be independent of her parents but she spent it as fast as she earned it. Unconsciously, she had come to associate having money with anxiety and impending crisis. So, anytime she managed to put something away, her anxiety would increase until she found a way to get rid of her savings: a resort vacation, new furniture she didn’t need, dinner for twenty at the most expensive restaurants in town. Though she made a decent salary, she was living paycheck to paycheck.

Once the fear was removed and I could experience a positive relationship with money, I was able to relax and enjoy the ride. It’s made all the difference in my life.

When we arrived at the office building at about 10:30am, the producer of the segment, Michael Pressman, met us at the door and took us to see JuJu Chang. She and I worked together on a previous piece for “Good Morning America” in 2008 and she is a big supporter of our work. As Michael briefly profiled the five people that they were going to highlight in the piece for Juju, Brad provided Michael some follow up data from the people who had taken surveys before and after the program to track their progress.

Afterward, JuJu went off to make-up (Brad wryly, and accurately, I might add, noted that they put make-up on the wrong person. I was the one who needed it), while Michael took us on a tour of the huge ABC complex. As we were going through the building (where the offices of ESPN are also housed) he jokingly said that as we went from the ABC area into the ESPN area, we would notice that the folks there would appear younger and happier. Michael has proven to be a gem of a person. We found him to be very respectful of the process, of the participants, and honoring of the process. He is also a heck of a touch footballer. One of the highlights of the week at Onsite was an impromptu touch football game, played in the parking lot, and the place and time when I cracked several ribs diving for a thrown ball. My adult brain knows better, but throw a ball in my direction and the kid brain in me says “go for it”.

So now it’s showtime…we sat down in a small room with 3-4 technicians who were waiting for us and began what turned out to be a 2 ½ hour interview. JuJu asked dozens of rapid fire questions and I did my best to provide short, to the point, TV-friendly answers “Why do you have meditation as a part of the program”? “Why use the Scrooge metaphor”? “Why do you stress to people that it is important to know and learn how to manage their feelings?”, “Do you believe that the economic collapse of the last year will be a motivating factor in creating positive permanent changes in people’s financial behaviors”? “Why shouldn’t therapist types give financial advice to their clients, and vice-versa ?” We did manage to mention everyone and everything involved. What I know, though, is that they will just use what they need, and most of what was said will never see the light of day. They’ll possibly show two segments, each about 12 minutes long–24 minutes of nearly 35 hours of filming. And I always remember it is about entertainment first, not education, but it was a great opportunity for us to spread a message of hope.

From there JuJu took us to lunch and over the next hour and a half, had a good time getting to know her better. We found her to be an incredibly caring, honest, humble, a “wanting to do the right thing” kind of person. When we returned to her office, she asked us to do some more filming for her ABC blog on the topic of kids and money. Click here to view this video.

With Juju’s sightseeing tips in hand, from there we went to the Empire Hotel, dropped our bags off, went for a walk down Broadway, a pedicab ride through Central Park, dinner at the Brooklyn Diner near Carnegie Hall. We then met with our literary agent, the Random House editor and publicist of our new book, “Mind Over Money. “ We’re making our plans now for the December 29th release so stay tuned for chapter excerpts and more.

All, in all, it was a great day. An experience that we’ll always remember. Remember, because we didn’t think to take any pictures of any of the goings on. Oh, well, next time?

If you’d like a referral to a trained therapist in your area, visit the link.

Their mom went on to share that when Ted was a little baby he had to go to the hospital and stay. His mom and dad could not stay with him and were only allowed to see him every other day, for an hour or two. She related that Ted would scream in terror when she had to give him back to the nurse. Ted’s treatment included lots of needless. He was obviously very afraid and it would be easy to imagine that he ‘made up’ that he couldn’t trust anyone to keep him safe. If he couldn’t trust his mom and dad to protect him, who could he trust?

According to his mom, it seemed as if Ted was never the same after that. He was anti-social, had a hard time trusting people (a condition that got more pronounced over time) and ultimately ended up with Ted murdering a number of innocent people.

One of the principle beliefs we have in terms of explaining people’s financial behaviors is that all of their behaviors make sense if we can understand the thinking (or scripts) that drive the behaviors. People often have a lot of negative judgments about themselves and/or others because, we believe, they don’t have a clear picture of their financial history. Once their historic experiences with money and the “lessons” they have learned as a result of these experiences have come to their awareness, their financial behaviors make perfect sense, and become easier to change.

Understanding Ted Kaczynski’s story can help one understand, though certainly not condone, his subsequent behaviors. The same can also be said of people’s money behavior.