The crisis came when yet another relationship that I had invested a lot of time and money in was ending.  A part of that relationship ending was that it was going to be financially devastating.  I live in one of those states that says what’s yours is half theirs.  My family was once again besieging me with requests for financial help (I had become their “bank”, a place where they could get unlimited loans and know they would never have to pay them back), and that day, looking at my checkbook realized I didn’t have enough money to pay my own rent that was due in 3 days.  Something snapped.

Suddenly, I was so very tired of hurting over money.  I felt like my moods and attitudes were affected by what I had rather than the great life I was living.   I felt responsible for too many people and I realized that I was emotionally and spiritually drowning.  I wanted to just die right there and get it over with.

I was shocked by the depth of the pain that money and my relationship to it had exerted on my entire life.  Up to that moment, I had considered myself strong and able to overcome any obstacle (and believe me there were many) but my feelings about money were really taking me out.  It was so hard not to judge myself harshly…after all, shouldn’t I have known better?

My mom was one of 12 and they were very poor.  She dropped out of high school to help take care of her younger brother and sisters and had her first child at 19.  There were many things that she couldn’t have and she developed a habit early in life that I believe  hindered our family’s well-being (emotional and financial) to this day.  My family of origin adopted a “by any means necessary” attitude toward getting what they wanted and while this is certainly understandable when you have a family to feed, it became a way of life that has produced pain and angst around money.  Getting something for nothing or having a “hustle” was just a way of life.  My mom raised four of her five children (she gave my sister to her aunt) with this legacy and the result has been staggering.  She was determined that we would have “everything she never had” and that meant that she would hustle, steal, borrow (and not pay back) anything to get what she wanted.  This went far beyond mere necessities and eventually became an addiction to consumerism.

My mother never saved any money.  She spent every dime she made and when she wanted something she just took on another job.  She stole from the family she worked for and eventually we lost our home when she was caught.

Early in life I remember feeling it was okay to take things and there was a thrill to getting away with it.  Fortunately I learned that I didn’t want to live that legacy and now am sensitive to not “taking” anything that isn’t mine.  This caused me to be overly cautious and afraid of even the “appearance” of a hustle; I often found that I had difficulty receiving things/money/friendship that is offered by people who care for me and simply want to be kind.  I was always afraid of being viewed by a taker so I gave excessively.  I  was very good at helping other people identify what their services were worth but I  discounted my services to my financial detriment.  Everyone’s needs came before me.

The result was excessive and unhealthy debt, personal relationships that were unbalanced financially, being so afraid of “using” someone I often felt used, sharing above and beyond what was appropriate for my financial well being

Instead of giving up that day while looking at my checkbook, I found hope in reaching out.  I discovered that there were people who could help me with this.  People who had been there themselves.  People who were not judging, just creating a way out for themselves and others like me.  One of the first things they asked me to do was to take a look at my long held, mostly unconscious beliefs about money.  That changed everything.

Through the process of examining my money scripts, the old belief that “If you do good things you will be taken care of…” has been replaced by “I need to take responsibility for planning my financial future to make sure that I can care for my financial needs”.  I share with others only to the degree I can do so w/o impacting my financial wellness.

The old money script of “If I have more money I will be happy” has been adjusted to “If I but look around at what is already in my life; love, family, health, etc., I am already happy”.  When I use my money wisely I am happier.  When I am compensated fairly for my work I feel energized and fulfilled and I know I am contributing to the financial well being of my community.

The old script of “It is demeaning to take from other people when the offer support and help” has been changed to “Thank you”.  I am able to see that the offer is coming from the same part of their heart as my offer to help others comes from.

I can have relationships of equitable sharing.  Sometimes I may give more, but I am learning how to receive as well.

I work with low income clients and I am ALWAYS tempted to give my services away.  I have a very fair sliding scale but often end up “cancelling” the outstanding balance.  This year, after about two years working with “what I deserve” I have stood firm on my fees; doing pro bono work in a way that doesn’t leave me feeling abused.  My clients appreciate the boundaries and I am enjoying my work more.

I have limits on what I will do for free for clients, community based organizations and conference organizers.  People seeking my expertise now pay for it.
My mother recently asked me to pay for her to go on a cruise.  I said “no” without explanation or apology.  I was afraid that I would give in to the guilt (I certainly felt guilty) and she really pulled out all of the stops about how this would probably be her “last chance” to go anywhere (she has been on two trips since then).  I instead showed her how she could save a little each month to cover the cost of her trip and spending money.

I continue to have financial challenges that impair my ability to implement all that I know about having a good relationship with money so the path to financial health as I define it has been more erratic than I would like.  The easiest part of all this is that I know what financial health means to me and I know where to get the help I need.  I understand my money scripts and I know when I am operating in that place.  This is not to say that I NEVER go back to my old way of thinking and behaving, but that when I do, I know how to self correct gently and get back on track.

I didn’t see it then, but my mother had serious issues with spending. She’d always say we didn’t have any money but then she’d go on these shopping sprees, buying clothes for herself and us and antiques for our house. I’d always pay real close attention, waiting for those sprees, because I knew if I could go along with her, I’d get something too. My father always took a “head in the sand” approach very disconnected from our financial situation, agreeing to things even if they didn’t make sense, just to avoid a fight. Not good messaging, either way.

When your parents aren’t on the same page, when one of them would continually warn me, a child, about our family’s impending financial devastation at every turn, yet spends like crazy, and the other parent acts like everything’s fine no matter what, it’s very confusing. As a result I grew up having no real concept of money. I’ve walked around my entire life thinking“Oh, money’s no big deal, unless you’re running out, and then you panic.” The concept of making money work for you or knowing how to properly handle it… that was beyond me.

YMW POV: Allison’s confusion over money persisted for years and years. As an adult, she pushed herself to work hard to earn the money she needed to be independent of her parents but she spent it as fast as she earned it. Unconsciously, she had come to associate having money with anxiety and impending crisis. So, anytime she managed to put something away, her anxiety would increase until she found a way to get rid of her savings: a resort vacation, new furniture she didn’t need, dinner for twenty at the most expensive restaurants in town. Though she made a decent salary, she was living paycheck to paycheck.

Once the fear was removed and I could experience a positive relationship with money, I was able to relax and enjoy the ride. It’s made all the difference in my life.

My father picked up Dr. Carter by the lapels of his jacket, and raised him a foot off the ground, and slammed him against the Dr.’s shiny new Thunderbird convertible, and screamed “if you ever step foot on my property again, or ask me or my family for money, I will kill you”. He then turned to me and said, “Rich people think they are better than we are. If you ever doubt this, remember this moment.” I was 7 years old.

This was the ending of a story that had begun several months earlier. My mother, pregnant with her 6th child, had gone to the hospital to deliver. During the birthing process, she said, “Something is wrong, please call the Doctor.” The Doctor never came. We later learned that the he was on the golf course participating in a tournament and couldn’t be reached. Eventually word got to the Dr., who then came to the hospital just in time to pronounce my baby brother dead.

Several months later, this same Dr. had come to our farm, in an attempt to collect his bill for my brothers birthing expenses. The impact on me of witnessing my father’s interaction with the Dr. that day had a profound effect on my life from that point on. I was determined to never ever be like “rich people,” or to have enough to appear rich to anyone else. Though I am a highly trained professional myself, I always undercharged for my services. Any money I did earn, I spent, mostly on others. I turned down promotions that would make me “the boss.” In order to meet my family’s needs, I overworked. I lost my marriage because I was never home. I always carried a huge debt load. I felt as long as I owed people money, no one would ever be able to say I was rich. Looking back, maybe the most important person I needed to say that to, was myself.

Claiming Financial Health

In the three years since I began looking at my relationship with money, I find myself out of debt. I’ve realized there is a place between wealth and poverty. I don’t have to be perpetually poor to be a good person. I learned that I could accumulate some money for my future without betraying some of the very basic beliefs I have about the human condition and about life in general. I learned that there are people of means, who do wonderful things with the money that has been entrusted to them–counterbalancing the old “Rich people are selfish, bad people,” money script.

Now I can catch myself and say, “Well yes, there are rich people who are crooks, just as there are middle class and poor people, who are crooks.”

The most freeing part has been to have that conversation with myself; and to be conscious about it. To be able to accept that those old money scripts about the rich and the poor may have been true for me when I was growing up, but I’m an adult now. I am no longer in abject poverty. I am not poor-I am a responsible person. To be a good steward of what I have been given, I need to walk more in the middle ground, to be conscious of what I am doing so I can be content with what I have.

Looking back, the most surprising part of all of this is how unconsciously I operated. I mean I did what I did, but I didn’t think about it at all. I didn’t make any financial decision consciously. The primary thing that has changed for me is that now I make decisions about money at a very conscious level. What are our overall plans for the year? What are we going to do with and for the kids? How will that fit within our budget? How does that fit with the bigger picture.

- Paul

“Money equals love”…”Money is an effective way to control, manipulate, and humiliate others”…“Money is a scorecard to measure a person’s worth.”

The way I emotionally responded to these experiences was to detach and change my behavior to get my dad’s acceptance and love.  As an adult I went to college to be a teacher despite my parent’s doubts that I could succeed and knowing that I would never measure up to my dad’s measurement of success-my income level.  After a few years in the teaching profession, even though I loved it, in an attempt to get more of my dad’s ‘love’ and ‘acceptance,’ I abandoned my career and went to work for the family business.

When I got married my husband went to work for my Dad’s company.  I  believed that when my husband brought home big checks that would be an indirect  way for me to know that my dad finally loved and accepted me as much as my siblings.  Every time I caught myself thinking this way, or doing something that I thought might get my dad to like me more, even though I personally didn’t want to do it, I hated the sense I got of selling my soul and myself in a vain attempt to get my father’s love.

Claiming Financial Health:

Something began to shift for me a few years ago when my marriage began to fail.  I went to therapy and began to get a sense that there was a part of me that was separate from whom I was within my family.  I could no longer live comfortably with the beliefs handed down by my family.  I began consulting with Drs. Ted & Brad Klontz and with their help was able to shift a number of significant beliefs and ultimately, change my life. I find myself able to be with my parents in a totally different way, by letting go of the belief I had adopted that “Money = Love.”  The old voices of “women can’t take care of themselves” and “you don’t have to be self-reliant–you can count on your family to take care of you” still spontaneously surface, but I counter them with a new money script of, “It’s time to be pro-active on your own behalf.”

Perhaps the most profound shift for me has been to recognize that there is a difference between who I am, deep down, and who others, primarily my parents and family believe I am.  I really am getting it that I am more than how much money I have or earn.  While net worth is often measured in financial numbers, who I am as a person includes the value of my compassion for others, my love for my children, and my ability to accept people where they are, all have a value that is priceless.

- Mary, 48, Milwaukee