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I thought about my answer. Looking it up in the dictionary seemed like cheating, and I figured he could have done that for himself. I understood that he was asking for my opinion. So, following the old adage, “Seldom right, but never in doubt”, I plunged in to the process.

My thoughts? A good reputable agent is:

• Someone who knows you and who chooses to represent you (albeit for a fee).
• Someone who has access to resources, people and places you don’t.
• Someone who tries to make you look good to anyone to whom it is important that you look good.
• Someone who carries messages back from those same people, telling you what they want and need from you.
• Someone who has your back.
• Someone who ‘sells’ you, because they believe in you.
• Someone who inspires you, picking you up when you want to give up.
• Someone who can take the jumbled up parts of your life experiences and make sense of it to other people.

So, feeling quite good about how I just rattled those things off the top of my head, I left a message listing the above. I got a call back from him a bit later. He sounded a bit perplexed. My answers, he said, didn’t make a lot of sense. He wondered if I had misheard the question. He said “I asked you for your definition of an “ANGEL”. Whoops. Not the first time I have spent a lot of time answering a question that wasn’t asked.

I am not sure if it was my defensiveness or insight or a bit of both, but I thought to myself “You know, I am not sure that there is much difference”. Wouldn’t an Angel be an entity who knows and represents me, who has access to resources, people and places I don’t, tries to make me look good, carrying messages from a power greater than myself telling me what I need to know, who has my back, who believes in me, who is protective of me, inspires me, gives me courage to go on, and can take the ‘stuff‘ of my life and make sense of it…… Sounds like the same thing to me.

I was once told that Angels are those people, those moments, those places, those situations that at strategic times, when we most need it, come in to our lives and deliver a message, a gift, a teaching, or a lesson. Some stay a long time, perhaps forever, until we get it. Others, stay just for a far too brief moment in time (too brief, we think at the time). Some of the most profound “Angelic” moments I have experienced have not involved words. They have involved someone reaching out and taking hold of my hand when there were no words that could ease the pain of the moment, or a kiss on my forehead as they were leaving me in a place of great anguish and unremitting pain. Then, there are what I call dark angels. Those people who have been a part of my life, whose method of delivering the ‘lesson’ were through incredibly painful lesions. They were Angels, too, if I look back and see how they helped me grow.

I was reflecting the other day on the number of friends I have ‘lost’ over my life time. About the same time I found an article on some research that had been done that suggested that the average length of a friendship, from beginning to end, is about 7 years. It helped me put in to perspective that perhaps these ‘losses’ were merely the coming and going of ‘Angels”. I also wondered if the pain that I have felt in losing these friends was the cost of trying to hold on to that “Angel”, (taking hostages?) rather than accepting with grace and appreciation the gift of their presence for that finite period of time and then letting them go. They have others to teach. I have to make room for new teachers.

Angels and Agents. Not that much of a difference to me, Dave.

A long time ago, seems like a lifetime ago really, I spent part of a summer on the Navajo (that’s our name for them, they call themselves the “Dine’ ”) reservation in the middle of the Northern Arizona desert. I went there, I thought, to help.   As those things often do, it ended up helping change my life in ways I could never imagine.

I had been teaching a series of high school classes about the Native American people. Teaching about their philosophy, culture and history before the Europeans came; their subsequent American experience, as well as what life was like for them in the modern world. One day, as I was talking about the abysmal conditions they live with, Jill, one of my students, said “You seem to care so much about all of this, why don’t you actually do something about it, rather than just talking about it?”

Kids do that, you know. They tend to call it as they see it. My first thought was “What a creep, who does she think she is challenging me”? “I am doing something about it, I am teaching you about it”. Then I realized she was right. Talking about it wasn’t really doing anything about it. So I began looking in to how I might take some of my time, talent, and energy and use it to directly help.

I discovered that the church I had been attending was part of a denomination that had, as a part of their outreach strategy, established “Missions” on some of the reservations. I talked my young wife into going with me, and bringing along our toddler son. The concept and project grew. Some of my students (Including Jill) volunteered to go. A church youth group in Colorado agreed to join us. Since my wife and I were both teachers, the idea was to do sort of a “Head Start” type program for a couple of weeks for the children of the village. In those days, many of the Native student’s first exposure to English was at age 5 or 6, on their first day of school. We were told that the people in the little village of Chilchinbeto would be very welcoming and appreciative of our efforts. So we set up a “summer School” staffed by all of us.

My wife, son and I arrived before any of the other “helpers”. As we drove in pulling our recently purchased camper into the little village, there was not a person in sight. As we began to set up camp a gentle rain that lasted several hours began to fall. Although it seemed like people were around, and I had the feeling that we were being observed, there was not a soul to be seen, not a sound to be heard. It seemed as if even the dogs wanted to pretend that we were not there.

The next morning Charlie Billy, a native man who was the head of the local mission came to greet us and show us where we could set up our ‘school’. People of the village were moving around, going from place to place doing their business as if we weren’t around. The Colorado youth group showed up by bus later than morning having met up with the students from our home town. We began making plans to start doing our thing the next morning.

The experience was a fantastic one for the children of the village and those of us who were there to provide the experience. We learned much more than we were able to teach. Though, materialistically, these people had very little, there was a spirit and a joy of life they possessed that was beyond anything I had ever experienced. It was simply contagious. Their sense of humor, their appreciation for the most simple of gifts, (our time and attention), their curiosity, their willingness to share and their unconditional acceptance of us made the experience beyond anything I could have imagined.

There are many precious scenes of the “classes” we taught, a couple of which I will mention. I’ll always remember Terri, one of my favorite students from back home, teaching a group of kids French (not English) as they were teaching her their language, and the laughter as they played with the languages.

Another was looking for our son one day and finding him standing in a circle behind a shed with half a dozen other kids his age (3) “sharing” their lollipops with each other, far away from the prying eyes of the moms who might have been appalled at the lack of sanitation in the sharing (there were dogs and desert sand involved in the ‘sharing’ too).

While we were there to give, we all talked each night about how much we were being given by the experience. We loved them and they loved us. I had never experienced such unconditional love. One night as I was walking alone in the desert, I heard myself say “I didn’t know it until now, but this is what I have been looking for, I want to stay and live here”. Then a voice, as clear and loud as if there was someone standing right beside me said “You don’t belong here”. “You now know what it is you are looking for, go find it in your own culture, with your own people”. Sufficiently chastened (and challenged) I realized that quest was to be my spiritual journey (that’s another story) for the rest of my life.

When it came time for us to leave, no one wanted us to go. Some of the village children hid our shoes so we couldn’t leave. The village put on a celebration/thanksgiving feast for us. There was much joy shared and many tears in our parting.

I remarked to one of the elders that I had become close to, how amazed I was that, given their experience of what had historically happened when the dominate culture (people like us) interacted with their people in our ill-advised attempts to “help”, they had been so open and welcoming. He simply said, “Oh, we knew the first day you were coming to bless us and it would be good”. I asked him how he knew that. He said,

“Remember the afternoon you arrived? We were watching you. That’s just what we do. We didn’t know what kind of experience this would be, until it started raining shortly after you arrived You see, rain, for us, is always a blessing. You brought it with you. We knew by its presence, that your coming was a gift from our creator.”

I always remember that on these rainy days.

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“That’s a pretty big statement,” I thought. My resistance and defensiveness were called up to the front lines instantaneously. How about where I was born? Who my parents were? What I experienced as a child and as an adult? My schooling? Who I hang out with? Aren’t those REALLY the factors that determine my destiny?

Occasionally when my thinking is challenged like this I allow myself to do a little more looking before I totally slam the door on an idea that is different. What on earth would lead someone to make such a bold statement, inferring that it is the words we use that have the power to determine our destiny? As I thought more about it, some of my own experiences began to percolate up into my consciousness.

I remembered that one of the tools I teach couples I work with is that I ask them to incorporate the phrase “What I make up is…..” For example, “The story that I am making up is that you’d rather watch football with your friends than spend a Sunday afternoon with me.” Saying “The story I make up is…” is different than the more typical judgmental, blaming exchange that begins, “You’d obviously rather be with your friends watching football than with me.” If you were on the receiving end of those statements, guess which one will make a difference that day in how you feel about your relationship? What cumulative effect would one or the other have on the destiny of a relationship?

How about the global words we use? (Well, maybe not you, but I would have to plead guilty of playing the King and Queen of Global Words; “ALWAYS” and “NEVER”). Add to that the magic ace of global words, “You”, and I have a full (dysfunctional) house.

“You never help around the house”, “I am always picking up after you”, “You are never satisfied”, “I can never do anything to please you” “No matter what I do it is never good enough”, “I never get credit from you for anything”. “You are always complaining about something”.

I can see how using words like this will determine my destiny if I use them with my wife this evening or any evening. Long term, I see how they have the capability to destroy my relationship. Determining my destiny indeed. And my family’s. That’s why my wife and I have agreed that we can call “foul” if either of us plays any of those global word cards in our conversations.

I was working with a young engaged couple recently. Being discussed was what is known as a prenuptial agreement. It is a legal document that they were being asked to sign, by their advisors, that would formalize the concept that what each of them had, in terms of worldly goods going into the marriage, would be theirs to hold independently throughout the marriage, rather than using what they each had and creating one marital “pool” of money and resources. What they create together would be theirs to hold jointly. They were struggling. Actually, they were at an impasse. After listening to them talk about it all, it seemed to me the actual word “Prenuptial” and the negative connotations (of undetermined origin) that term had for them was the problem. They were, it seemed, actually on the same page in terms of what they thought they wanted to do financially, what they thought was fair, etc. I suggested that they might be better off to get rid of the word, “prenuptial” and use instead the concept that what they were doing was consciously deciding (unlike most new couples) how they as a married couple, were going to manage their financial resources. They liked that re-frame and were able to quickly come to an agreement that felt right for both of them. Another example of how the words we use can change things.

Using the term “spending plan” instead of the word “budget” has helped some of the people we’ve worked with.

Finally, I remembered my 3rd grade teacher writing the word “Can’t” on a piece of paper and talking to us about the crippling effect of a little four letter word. I don’t remember what she said but I do know that she went to the window, threw it out onto the street and said “We will not use that word anymore in this classroom.”

Destiny followed.

“Capitalism”, the movie. What did I think? Not much. Perhaps I just didn’t get it, but it left me flat. There were some entertaining moments, very funny ones, but those were the best parts of the movie. Not exactly what one hope for when one is trying to make a point. If, in my talks, I would get feedback that suggested the very best parts of it were the jokes I told, I wouldn’t take that as much of a compliment, if, in fact, I was trying to leave the audience with a clear call to action as Michael does in this movie (though I am not sure what he was suggesting that ‘we’ do about it all).

The implication I was left with was “we can’t do anything until capitalism goes away. We are left to be victims of a system that will consume us all. We are powerless (unless we want to start or be part of a revolution that overthrows “Capitalism”), and I would be hard pressed to know where to tell someone they can go to sign up.

What about our own individual choices around all of this? Which of those contribute to the problem? Perhaps that will be the next movie.

If I were to take this movie to heart, I would believe that the source of all our woes is Capitalism and Capitalists. If we got rid of it (and them) everything would be ok.

I once heard of something called “Grossman’s Law”. It goes something like this “For every complex problem, there is a simple, easy to understand, wrong answer”.

I try to remember that.

Many of us hold on to the erroneous belief that more money would make us happy. Research shows that there is a correlation between money and happiness up to a certain level of income. Poverty, with all of its profound stressors, is clearly a cause for unhappiness. However, studies show that there is no significant correlation between money and happiness above a household income of $50,000 per year. Moreover, the significant economic gains experienced by Americans in the past few decades have not been accompanied by a rise in life satisfaction and are actually associated with increases in distrust and depression.

After an initial period of elation, even lottery winners are not significantly happier. One study showed that they report experiencing less pleasure in ordinary activities than accident victims. In some cases, winning the lottery has been shown to result in the development of severe depression. While most people cling to the idea that their problems would be resolved if they only had more money, this is simply not true. In fact, we feel poor only when we are comparing ourselves to those around us, and people who are focused on material gains at the expense of personal relationships are some of the more unhappy people around.

So if more money won’t do it, what does make us happy? Here are some research-based tips to help you increase your life satisfaction:

1. Make relationships a top priority. Human beings are social creatures and much of our happiness depends on the quality of our relationships with our family and friends. As such, it is important to invest time and energy in your relationships. Resist the temptation to isolate in times of stress. Take some time for yourself, but don’t spend all of your free time alone. Isolation can lead to loneliness and depression.

2. Get in the “flow” of life. Take a break from ruminating about your past and worrying about your future. Make an effort to spend time living in the moment. Become fully immersed in whatever you are doing. When you get into the flow of life, you forget yourself and bring your focus, energy, and talents to bear to achieve your goals.

3. Limit your time spent in “passive” activities. Recent research shows that unhappy people watch more TV than happier people. They are also more prone to gain weight and experience relationship problems. Get outside and get active. Research shows that regular rigorous exercise can often be just as effective in treating depression as antidepressant medication.

4. Make an effort to help someone in need. Acts of generosity and altruism, such as volunteering your time for a worthy cause or engaging in community service makes people happier.

5. Spend some time counting your blessings. Share your gratitude daily. People who take time to reflect on the positive aspects of their lives report feeling happier. People who focus on the negative aspects of their lives report less life satisfaction.

In the end, happiness is not something that a new truck, new clothes, or financial success will bring. Just like the Christmas toys that lose their appeal in a few days, materialistic things give only the most fleeting joy. True happiness lies in our connection to ourselves and to others.

I have always been intrigued and fascinated by the lives and times that make up the World War II era. Why? I can’t tell you exactly. Maybe it was because I was born during those years. Maybe because my Dad worked for the air force and taught us all the names of the airplanes that flew over our house, the planes he worked on, and the planes he flew. Maybe it was because when I was young he went away for what seemed like years, to participate in the testing of the atomic bomb in the Southern Pacific after the war. Maybe it was because the first book I remember reading was Red Randall Over Tokyo, which was printed, as books were in those days, on recycled paper, because all the new paper went to the war effort. I remember reading and watching everything I could about those times. I still do.

The first night when we met with our group and the tour director (a pretty insufferable guy who shall remain nameless) we were asked to share why we were on the trip. I was surprised to hear the words, “So I can learn about my dad”. As the words left my mouth I thought ,“That sounds rather dramatic!!! “ I never forgot , when I was a kid, overhearing my aunts talk to each other about how, “Once our men went to war, they never quite came back”. There was a part of my dad that wasn’t quite there (until, thankfully, the last few years of his life) and I have always wondered what role living through those times might have had on him and my mom. It had to be a pretty scary time. I know it was scary enough when I became old enough to understand a little bit about what was going on in the world in the early 50’s, long after the war. “Duck and Cover,” fall-out shelters (we didn’t have one), Civil Defense radios and all.

From day one of the trip, I took full advantage of the opportunity I had to learn everything I could. At every turn I cross-examined our guides, our tour director and our resident historian. To my delight the historian started each day off with a lecture of what we were going to see and hear about on that day. I sat right next to both of them on the bus and pumped them with questions hour after hour. I would ask our tour guide a question. He would take the microphone and answer the question for the entire bus. Though his intentions were honorable, he failed to remember to repeat the question, so they just got the answer. My fellow tourists later confided that they felt like they were playing “Jeopardy”, the game show: “Ok, we know the tour guide said, ‘About 37 days.’ What do you think the question was?” They had quite a few yucks in coming up with their answers to what they thought the question was.

I read every book (that I hadn’t already read) about D-Day, the French campaign, about the Battle of the Bulge, Buchenwald (one of the many death camps), Dresden, and the actual house where the “final solution” (the plan for extermination of the Jews) meeting took place. We visited a dozen wartime museums and military cemeteries. I believe I read every “tag” on every exhibit. I was relentless and insatiable. Someone else might call it compulsive.

The one thing I never understood was how German citizens could “turn in” their fellow neighbors who were citizens like them, but were or were suspected of being Jewish. In one museum I found out. The German authorities would come to my door and ask if I knew of anyone in the neighborhood who was Jewish. They would tell me that nothing bad would happen to them. They would caution me that if I did not tell them the truth and they found out that I had lied, they would be back. Not necessarily for me, but for my children. I suddenly understood how I as a parent, I would tell them what they wanted to know.

Over the years I had always wondered about how, if I had been a Jewish person, I might not resist. I found out that they were manipulated and lied to even sometimes by their own religious leaders who believed the authorities when they said things like, “If you will just get your people to stop interacting with non-Jews, we will leave you alone and not ask for anything further. However, if you don’t get them to agree to this simple request, things will get very bad for all of you”. The insidiousness of the repression became clearer for me. At what point would I make the decision to resist?

I had always wondered what it was like to be an American soldier fighting their way to Berlin; or a French civilian watching their entire existence, except for life itself, be destroyed before their very eyes; a member of the French resistance; a young German soldier facing the D-Day invasion fleet; a German civilian whose home and city was under constant day and night bombing attacks from allied aircraft; a concentration camp prisoner; a guard, and finally a German citizen who would turn in his innocent neighbors. Being able to stand in some of the very same places, reading about how millions were manipulated, the trip supplied answers to many of my wonderings.

It all came together for me one of the last days of our trip. I was talking to our tour historian, the Vietnam Veteran, and said “You know, having gone on this trip, having seen everything we have seen, what I am left with is the realization that given the circumstances of the times, I, just because I am a human being, I could have been any one of these players. Any sense of judgment of those people, or sense of being better than, or “I would never” had evaporated.

He said “You are one of the very few who get that. It could have been me, too”.

While we are the wealthiest country in the world, a survey by the American Psychological Association found that two-thirds of us identify money as the number one stressor in our lives. This stress comes at a cost that goes way beyond the money. Financial distress is linked to relationship problems, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, work problems, and health problems.

Unfortunately we engage in some of our most destructive financial behaviors during the holiday season. In the coming weeks, Americans will make one-third of their yearly purchases and spend months trying to pay the bill. A survey of 895 respondents by the Consolidated Credit Counseling Services found that 44% of those surveyed were still paying off their debt from last year’s holiday spending! If we are not careful, we will receive the unwelcome gift of the Holiday Hangover in January when we start opening our credit card bills.

It feels great to give gifts to others. However, if you are spending more than is reasonable for the holidays (e.g. buying things you don’t currently have the money in your bank account to cover, or spending money earmarked for necessities) you are hurting yourself, your children, and your family’s future. If you are feeling compelled to spend more money than you planned on gifts this holiday season, take some time to examine your beliefs around money. I refer to these beliefs as Money Scripts.

Money Scripts are those unconscious and often self-lim¬iting beliefs around money we learn early in life that drive our financial behaviors. For example, many who overspend have Money Scripts like: “Spend it while you got it,” “I will never have enough money no matter what I do, so I might as well have fun now,” “I deserve to spend money, and my family deserves to have nice things whether we can afford it or not,” or “You show your love for others by buying them expensive gifts.” These types of Money Scripts, when left unexamined, can lead to significant overspending during the holiday season and other self-destructive financial behaviors throughout the year.

We come by our distorted beliefs about money honestly. So, begin your holiday shopping by making a list of all your beliefs about giving gifts. Spend some time examining what you have written and where you might have received these messages. Knowing what your Money Scripts are and where they come from can help loosen their grip on your life and enable you to make healthy choices around spending.

If you recognize that you need to change your spending habits, don’t wait until you have grown your debt by several hundreds or thousands of dollars this holiday season. Take an important step in changing your relationship with money by developing a reasonable spending plan for buying gifts this year.

I asked Steve Bucci, syndicated Debt Advisor columnist and author of The Credit Repair Kit for Dummies, his thoughts on what keeps people from addressing their overspending. According to Steve, the biggest barrier for people to tackle their excessive debt is getting past the feeling of being so overwhelmed that they don’t know where to start. He says the first step is to stop buying on credit as you can never pay down debt unless you spend less than you earn.

With that in mind, for this holiday season, determine how much money you can spend before you start shopping. Then, go to the ATM and withdraw that amount. Use cash to make all of your holiday purchases. There is an emotional distancing that comes with a swipe of the credit card that doesn’t exist when we are slapping down some hard cold cash at the checkout counter.

Here are some additional holiday financial survival tips from Consolidated Credit Counseling Services:

1. Make a plan. Make a list of who you will buy for and what you want to buy them. Leave yourself time to shop for the best deals.

2. Don’t take your credit cards with you when you go shopping: People spend up to 30% more when they use credit cards to make purchases.

3. If you have a large extended family, consider drawing names out of a hat so everyone buys just one present.

4. Track your purchases as you are making them to make sure you are staying in budget. If you spend more money than you planned for one person, you will need to spend less on another individual.

5. The best gifts you can give those you care most about are memories. They never get old or break. If money is tight this year, put time into planning some novel, creative holiday experiences (e.g. cook something special together, tell stories, go on a family outing into nature, etc.). I suggest that you and your family members also consider adding 2-3 items on your wish lists this year that don’t cost money.

Regardless of whether or not you are already burdened with excessive debt, set a reasonable spending limit this holiday season to avoid the Holiday Hangover. When the vacation’s over, the toys are broken, and you open your mail in January, you will be happy you did!

It is not an “Aw shucks, you don’t have to, give to someone who needs it worse” answer when I really know, but I am waiting for them to ask again moment. Where I am from, an example of the “aw shucks, you don’t have to”, worked like this. The bottom line rule was that it was polite and expected to say no three times to an offer before you said yes. For example, this was a typical exchange:

“Would you like a piece of cake? “(Or cup of coffee, stay for a meal, whatever)”

“No, no thanks anyway”

“Come on, have a piece of cake, I made it myself”

“No, I really shouldn’t”

“Come on”

“No, I don’t want to bother you”

“No bother, I am going to feel bad if you don’t”

“Well, ok “

Next up, “Would you like a cup of coffee to go with that? Same three no’s to a yes,

Then “Would you like cream and sugar….. “

It certainly was a way to manage time and the depth of the conversation.

What we are talking about is not pretending to not know or politely saying you don’t know for the expected number of times. It IS an absolute honest “going blank” moment. As an otherwise relatively highly functional soul I find myself suddenly reduced to someone who, in that moment, loses their ability to be coherent, beyond muttering some variation of “Nothing”, “I don’t know”, or “I don’t really want or need anything”. It’s not because I really don’t have anything on my wish list. It is just, at that moment, when asked, the ‘list’ disappears.

Then, when I don’t get what I didn’t ask for on gift giving day, I feel mildly disappointed.

How would you like to be the gift giver? Talk about a no-win situation. Go figure.

Furthermore, it isn’t that I don’t believe in the whole gift giving thing. I tend to be very generous when it comes to giving to others. I take the adage of “It’s better to give than to receive” to the extreme. In the process I’ve been told that my behavior denies those who care about me the benefit of giving, and they have to resort to guessing.

A term we have coined to describe this behavior is that asking a person, “what do you want”, triggers a Financial “White Out”. Our mind goes blank. It’s as if the brain just shuts off. We call such experiences a ‘gift’. Sort of like the Hallmark cards that never quit giving, this is a “gift”, usually from childhood, that told us it was not considered good, polite, or respectful (insert any other derogatory word you’d like) to really, really need, want or ask for anything.

Sometimes we were punished (or watched others be) for wanting something. Criticized. Ridiculed. Told we were ungrateful. Selfish.

Still others of us just gave up wishing as a way of managing the sadness, hurt and disappointment when what we asked for never happened. We learned early that there was no Santa Claus, in terms of what was on our list. That didn’t mean we didn’t get gifts, it did mean that the gifts we got were on someone else’s list for us. Our right to dream, imagine, want, and visualize what might be, was stolen.

In our clients we see that this “giving up on wishes, wants, and dreams” is easily transferred to other areas of their lives. So much so, that asking them to imagine (as adults) what they would like their life to be like in the future is nearly an impossible task. Their self-protective minds just won’t allow them to go there.

This not being able to imagine or dream or want can have a significant effect on adult money behaviors. We believe that if a person’s dream for what they want isn’t theirs, they will not follow through with any plan that would involve things like saving for the future, investing, spending less than they earn, seeing themselves as ‘free agents’, or being able to organize their lives and resources so that they will be able to do more and more of what they love and less of what they don’t want.

What’s a person to do? I have found it helpful to have a dialog with someone else about what it was like ‘back then’. Talk about the moments when I decided to stop dreaming. The circumstances. The people. The situations. It’s helped clients of ours, when they have been able to do the same.

It is also very helpful to hang around other people who have not lost their ability to want and wish and plan and dream. It’s catchy. It’s fun. In America, it is a birthright.

This year, before you ask, I’d like……