From Ted
While traveling in Colorado a few years ago, I got a call from someone who represented themselves as being from the production department of Oprah Winfrey’s show. I nearly hung up on them initially, believing it was one of my friends playing a prank. But when they mentioned a couple of names that I knew, I suspended my doubts long enough to hear what they had to say. Apparently, a couple that my wife and I had worked with a few years before had written a book about their experience. They had been able to work through a significant betrayal by one of the partners and put their marriage and life back together. In the book, apparently, they had given us some significant credit for helping them do that. As I remember, they were one of the very few couples who did exactly what we suggested that they do if they were to have a chance at saving their 25-year marriage.
Since they were going to be on the Oprah show, the producers wanted to know if I would be willing to appear with them during that segment of the show. That was an easy question, with an even easier, no brainer answer. The answer… “No”. The producer asked why, and I just said I wasn’t interested.
As the word, “no”, came out of my mouth, I knew that it was more of a reactive statement than one that was carefully considered. I was curious about how quickly that answer had popped out of my mouth, and how definitive an answer it was. I wasn’t wondering if I should have said “yes”, because to this day, I honestly don’t think a “yes” answer would have changed my life anymore than the “no” answer did. I was just very interested in where the answer came from.
I told a friend about my curiosity and that I would like to understand it better. After a little digging, I explained that I felt like if I showed up on the Oprah show, I would be showing up as a fraud. A fraud in the sense that there are many other people who are more the ‘expert’ in terms of relationships than I was. I don’t consider myself an expert on anything.
A fraud in the sense that there are many other people who had written books on the topic and I hadn’t.
A fraud in the sense that there are many other people who had already appeared on TV as relationship experts.
A fraud in the sense that there are those who had a vastly wider audience that I had ever had.
My friend listened to all that and simply said, “Answer these questions for me”.
1. Did you work with the couple? (Yes)
2. Do they give you credit for helping them get better? (Yes)
3. Did you do anything unusual to help them? (Yes, we used experiential teaching methods and a group experience)
4. If you talked about and limited yourself to what you did, and just those things would you be saying anything that wasn’t true? (No)
5. Would you have said yes if you knew that it would have supported them (Yes)
6. So you wouldn’t be acting fraudulently if you said those things to support them and others like them? (No)
I had grown up with a pretty consistent message that went something like “Who do you think you are”? Now there are ways of asking that question that are nurturing, but in my case it was asked in a way designed to put, and keep, “someone in their place”. It wasn’t just me, everyone in our family and extended family was treated the same way.
After the conversation with my friend, as outlined above, something inside shifted. I thought, “You know if I just talk about what I know and what my experience is/was, no matter where I am or who I am with, I am being and acting in integrity.” I can do that.
I would invite you to consider that the same is true for you also.
* You are who you are
* You’ve done what you have done
* You have experienced what you have experienced.
* You have learned “lessons” from each of these experiences.
* That makes you an expert.
That also makes you ready for the Oprah call.
