I recently ran across a quote that got me thinking (always a dangerous moment). The quote was “Your words determine your destiny”.
“That’s a pretty big statement,” I thought. My resistance and defensiveness were called up to the front lines instantaneously. How about where I was born? Who my parents were? What I experienced as a child and as an adult? My schooling? Who I hang out with? Aren’t those REALLY the factors that determine my destiny?
Occasionally when my thinking is challenged like this I allow myself to do a little more looking before I totally slam the door on an idea that is different. What on earth would lead someone to make such a bold statement, inferring that it is the words we use that have the power to determine our destiny? As I thought more about it, some of my own experiences began to percolate up into my consciousness.
I remembered that one of the tools I teach couples I work with is that I ask them to incorporate the phrase “What I make up is…..” For example, “The story that I am making up is that you’d rather watch football with your friends than spend a Sunday afternoon with me.” Saying “The story I make up is…” is different than the more typical judgmental, blaming exchange that begins, “You’d obviously rather be with your friends watching football than with me.” If you were on the receiving end of those statements, guess which one will make a difference that day in how you feel about your relationship? What cumulative effect would one or the other have on the destiny of a relationship?
How about the global words we use? (Well, maybe not you, but I would have to plead guilty of playing the King and Queen of Global Words; “ALWAYS” and “NEVER”). Add to that the magic ace of global words, “You”, and I have a full (dysfunctional) house.
“You never help around the house”, “I am always picking up after you”, “You are never satisfied”, “I can never do anything to please you” “No matter what I do it is never good enough”, “I never get credit from you for anything”. “You are always complaining about something”.
I can see how using words like this will determine my destiny if I use them with my wife this evening or any evening. Long term, I see how they have the capability to destroy my relationship. Determining my destiny indeed. And my family’s. That’s why my wife and I have agreed that we can call “foul” if either of us plays any of those global word cards in our conversations.
I was working with a young engaged couple recently. Being discussed was what is known as a prenuptial agreement. It is a legal document that they were being asked to sign, by their advisors, that would formalize the concept that what each of them had, in terms of worldly goods going into the marriage, would be theirs to hold independently throughout the marriage, rather than using what they each had and creating one marital “pool” of money and resources. What they create together would be theirs to hold jointly. They were struggling. Actually, they were at an impasse. After listening to them talk about it all, it seemed to me the actual word “Prenuptial” and the negative connotations (of undetermined origin) that term had for them was the problem. They were, it seemed, actually on the same page in terms of what they thought they wanted to do financially, what they thought was fair, etc. I suggested that they might be better off to get rid of the word, “prenuptial” and use instead the concept that what they were doing was consciously deciding (unlike most new couples) how they as a married couple, were going to manage their financial resources. They liked that re-frame and were able to quickly come to an agreement that felt right for both of them. Another example of how the words we use can change things.
Using the term “spending plan” instead of the word “budget” has helped some of the people we’ve worked with.
Finally, I remembered my 3rd grade teacher writing the word “Can’t” on a piece of paper and talking to us about the crippling effect of a little four letter word. I don’t remember what she said but I do know that she went to the window, threw it out onto the street and said “We will not use that word anymore in this classroom.”
Destiny followed.
