From Ted
“And the winner is……” When I heard those words and saw who had won one of the most prestigious awards in the entertainment business, I was thrilled for them, and at the same time, afraid for them. I knew that they were now going to deal with one of the greatest insidious risks and threats to any relationship.
As a part of my work I get to consult with individuals, couples and groups of people, some in the entertainment business, who simply and pro-actively want to improve the quality of their relationships with others. If only there were more of those.
For other folks, it is more than a ‘want to’. Most wait until things are going badly. Actually, on average, those relationships that could benefit from outside help, only 1% ever seeks help, and even then, they wait for years after the first serious symptoms begin to appear before reaching out. The group I mentioned, unfortunately, falls into this category.
Whether or not they continue to exist as an entity at all, as was the case with this group, will depend on their willingness and ability to learn and practice some new skills, heal old wounds, and make some new agreements about how they are going to be with each other moving forward.
The good news is that improving relationships is actually pretty simple. Strategies and tools for improving relationships have been well-tested and honed. My experience is that just a few suggestions at an initial meeting can change things immediately and profoundly for the better. I had met with this group a few times and had made great progress. Such great progress that we had gone from the point of the group being close to breaking up to a renewed sense of excitement and hope for the future.
The downside of such ‘quick healing’ experiences is that there is a tendency to feel better so much better so quickly. There is a sense of ‘being done’, when in fact we have just started the learning process. When things are apparently going so well (unbelievably well, professionally, in this case, for this group) it is difficult to remember that there is still work to be done. There are still skills to be learned, practiced, and refined as well as unresolved historic issues to address, and new issues to be proactive in dealing with that are bound come up due to simple change and growth.
The greatest risk for this group at this point in time? The greatest risk for any relationship? Research suggests that the single greatest risk factor to going back to old behaviors is overconfidence.
The next morning, after news of the award had rocketed through the entertainment community, I called the group’s managers and reminded them that we needed to make sure that everyone showed up for our next scheduled meeting, though the inclination would be to ‘coast’ on all the good feelings. Relationship skills are a bit like weight training. Consistency over time (showing up at the gym day after day) creates the best chance for success. I am all too aware of this “over-confidence” risk factor in my own relationships. With my two adult children, with my wife Margie, with my closest friends, from time to time, I initiate a conversation (or they do) that starts out by saying “So how are we doing, really, anyway?”
So to those friends of mine that I haven’t asked lately… How are we doing, really? Special relationships are too valuable to be taken for granted and too fragile not be tended to.
